The anticipation is nearly stifling me. I’ve waited so long — so very, very long — to move to New York City. And honestly, throughout the three years that I’ve held firm to this dream, there have been times that I didn’t think it was possible.
It’s not just that I didn’t know if I would be good enough to get into grad school, get a book published or find a job (and only one of those things has happened, by the way). It’s not just that I didn’t know if I could survive living with eight million other people in a city that TV shows like Castle and Gossip Girl have shown me can be more than cruel — because to balance that I had shows like Friends and, yes, Castle, that showed me how great it can be. It’s not just that my days in Kentucky felt eternal, like I was caught in a perpetual whirlwind of college that I wasn’t 100 percent anxious to leave.
It’s that there were days when I didn’t know if I would make it. I wasn’t sure if my physical body would survive the war my mind waged inside of me.
If you know me, you’ll know that I was hospitalized for intense depression two-and-a-half years ago. If you know me better, you’ll know that I was diagnosed with a mild form of bipolar disorder last January. And if you know me best, you’ll know that the scars on my arms aren’t just cutting scars; they’re visible records of times I tried to take my life.
There were days when I didn’t think I would see the next hour, much less a moment when my dreams would come true.
So to be here now, five days away from moving to pursue my dream of being a journalist in New York City … that is an amazing feeling. To know that I have written two novels that I fully intend to publish and have at least six others marinating in my brain is empowering. To even let the idea cross my mind that someday I can be happy — that I even deserve to be happy — is a feeling I never thought I would have.
Interestingly, the dreams that I’m now about to live out are the very ones that saved me. Two-and-a-half years ago, if I hadn’t dreamed of visiting New York, wished to attend the Winter Olympics in Sochi and aspired to be an editor on my school newspaper, I wouldn’t have made it out of that hospital.
There was this moment when I was curled up on my paper bed in the place I had nightmares about for months that I looked at a picture of a beautiful landscape. The thought crossed my mind that I would love to someday stand in that very spot and soak in that beauty.
And that was it. That tiny picture sparked something in me, a desire to live. A desire not just to exist in this world, but to be a part of it, to be woven into the tapestry of others’ life in such a way that my time on earth could be as rich as possible.
I don’t doubt for a second that it was God who put those dreams in my heart and gave me the strength to move forward. And I don’t doubt that those dreams are the reason I’m sitting here today, in a hotel room in Florida, getting ready to watch my cousin get married to the girl of his dreams.
There are so many, many layers of depth to how incredible this moment is. I’m about to be a witness to the happiest day of my cousin’s life less than a week from moving to study what I love in a city that seems to promise everything. I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about it.
And this subject is too important for me to be subtle with the moral of this story: if you’re going through anything at all that makes you wonder what there is to life, allow yourself to dream. You don’t have to plan out your ideal future; you can just decide you want to visit Yellowstone National Park, get a tattoo, lose a few pounds, give some food to a homeless person … whatever allows you to recognize that your life is precious and so very worth living.
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this and take me up on this offer, but I want to say it nonetheless: I’m a safe person to talk to about all the hard things you’re struggling with. I’m a sympathetic crier with the ability to imagine myself into every scenario and feel pursuant emotions deeply. So if you need help — let me be there for you. Let me help you forge a dream, a series of a dreams, a reason to live.