Today I see-sawed savagely between emotions, swinging from finger-shaking beginnings of panic to heart-sunk depression to soaring giddiness to just plain tired.
It’s been an emotional week for me, all told; I’ve hit some real lows but also had some great fun. There have been tears and this sense of total lostness, like I’m wandering and will never be found.
And I’ve been hit where I don’t want to hurt, where I feel most confident.
In a weird way, I’m super confident that I’m a great barista. It’s an odd thing to take pride in, but I do think I’m fairly good not just at preparing food and drink that will make people happy and content, but also at making them feel welcomed, at home, like Albero is a place they can chill and chat and sort of refresh.
I’m not gonna claim to be the reason Albero is that, because my coworkers are incredible, personable and really quite hilarious. They do just fine on their own at making people love the little cafe.
But I do believe I add something.
And of course, of course, freaking depression has hit that thing that I’m weirdly confident and supremely proud of. I’ve been anxious over my performance and place in the company, and I’ve been concerned that maybe, just maybe, I’m not actually great at my job.
You see, some people are better than I am at being a barista. I’ve been told that I’m not the best, that others do a better job. And of course I translate that to, you’re the worst, Karis, get out while you’re ahead. Go sit in an office and cry.
I tell people that one of my hidden talents is the ability to turn anything into a negative. You can compliment me, tell me something incredibly nice, and I (almost) guarantee I’ll be able to twist it into something horrible.
You’re getting so good at making those Cappuccinos, Karis! you say, thinking you’re paying me a compliment on my teachability and improvement.
Wow, I can’t believe I sucked so bad that people noticed! I translate, not accepting praise because how can it possibly be true? How can anything good be true of me?
That’s the root of this week’s problems. There’s nothing wrong with my job, no areas where I’ve been told I need to improve upon. It can be stressful, but so can any job. I enjoy my days off, of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love being in the building, pulling shots, baking croissants and talking up my favorite gelato pairing, the blackberry sorbet with chocolate (it’s oh-my-lanta delicious, y’all!).
And yet I panic, concerned that my bosses think I’m a failed investment and my coworkers giggle behind my back, mocking my incompetence. There are shining moments of goodness, when someone tastes my Latte and raves, someone else tells me the panino I assembled so carefully was delicious…that special moment when a customer howled with laughter at a joke I made and said it was the funniest thing she’d heard all day.
These are the reasons I get out of bed, the reasons I work at a cafe instead of trying to land a job in an office, in my field. Because I love the movement of it, the adrenaline, the humanity. The endless stories that come, the rush of inspiration at every new scrape of the door against the floor, every interesting angle by which the sun slants into the room.
There is so much life in my little cafe, and because I love it I fear losing it.
And so. So I’ve been shaking and sinking and losing myself in a mire of sadness and worry.
But here’s the other thing about today’s see-saws. Every time I swung back upwards, it was because of someone. Because a familiar face walked through the door and smiled at me, referenced a random running joke we have. Because a coworker patted me on the back and made a hilarious joke in accented yet beautiful English. Because we were training the new guy, making strangers laugh and feel at home in a place that is so not their home.
Because my photography-inclined coworker took a picture of me with the sun behind and said it was beautiful even though I felt as ugly as possible. Because they asked about recent updates in my life and genuinely, literally cared about my future, took time to ask probing questions and make sure I don’t make the wrong decision. Because I’m making friends and it feels good, and I was so scared to leave Farinella because of my family there, but it turns out you can have family in two, three, four places and it’s OK, it’s all OK.
Because there’s always an upswing.
The see-saw might take you down, slam you against the ground with such force your teeth clatter against each other and your butt stings, but it always goes back up. Even better — it eventually levels out. That’s the sweet spot: the moment when you’re hovering between the two, not on the ground and not in the air, just balanced, just stable.
But like, if you try to see-saw alone, you’re gonna end up stuck on the ground or suspended in air. You need another person to balance you out.
We — you, I, your cousin, the dude you saw on the subway — we need each other. Life kinda sorta really sucks when you live it on your own. It’s just no good. It’s the people that pull us up, the people that balance us out. We can’t do any of this alone. There’s a reason God created more than just one person; it’s because we’re helpless on our own.
So today, I’m thankful for the people who pulled me up and balance me out. Sure sometimes they aren’t enough to keep me from smashing into the ground, but so far, they’ve always been there to life me back up.